not what you think, tho’

i was either ill at the time 
and she knew it and didn't care
what's more knew what she was doing 
when she told me to embrace the lie as she did
what's more perhaps put up to it by her state 
(not mine ... not any more)

or i wasn't ill and i knew what i was doing 
and both of us 
were radically in the wrong 
but either way 
the state did know 
and it either used her to deepen my sense of failure 
or it used me to embed a sense of distress 

i can't be schizophrenic 
for the purposes of national security 
and responsible for my actions 
when faced with a monster like her

she had no diagnosis at the time
and yet she was literally rapacious as they come: 
she told me she'd done the same to her husband
and relished the coincidence in front of me 
and she had already informed me 
how my brother was rough in that department 
and did i mind he'd had the opportunity to be
before i'd had the chance myself 

and so curiously i said 
all i minded in this
was only that when someone was with me
it was me that someone was with
but in the event she'd never been with me
always been put up to it by a labour party 
awfully labouring the point:
a man as i was, cogently against the stupidity of iraq
in order that his witness be undermined deliberately
by a security state she formed a clear and seamless part of
in a northern ireland of aggressions multiple
and multiple and various 

so no: when i said i didn't mind 
if she'd been with my brother 
i didn't mind it at all
but when she affirmed she'd be being with me all that time --
the four days in belfast in her marital bed --
she lied brazenly because paid brazenly
by a state she preferred to be with,
more than a lover she cared to lie next to,
in order to destroy all future capacity of mine
to fight back and tell my truth as it was
and still is
and will always remain 

so listen up
and listen clear
because this is what i have to do 
because when stupid men
threaten me with their stupid dogs
on public transports for all
it's time i firmed up my opposition 
to all the evil state managed to do 
and still delivers on all sides of politics 
and still delivers on all sides 

and this is why 
because this is the key 
because it's possible to criminalise a state 
when its free and easy agents like her
are the focus of the process you make happen 
out of two decades of pain 

and so never truer or unkinder 
were the actions cruel she committed on my person
to the extent she even sacrificed her son
in full public view 
at john lennon airport 
just to make sure that my disgrace was complete

you were wrong when you said guilt
that evening in dublin, c
wrong about your mother and my witness:
it wasn't guilt i felt around all of this
but astonishment she felt absolutely none 
herself at all 
 
at any time i say
any time ever 
for so casually doing the state's bidding 
as she did