just so it's clearer
in my day-to-day
i'm now
interested only
in affection not true love
whilst meantime in my work
i look for love
as well as respect:
suddenly it's the way of it
after
a lifetime of hatred
in the matter
that is private
and the horror
that is this thing
we call
casually
relationship
when in fact
it's more a luxury yacht
where money
is the
exclusive tool
to measure
if i am worth
anything at all
to you
in this deep dark
chasm and
abyss that is all that
which you and i did miss ...
yet conversely and
surprisingly
in the
fields
and meadows
of deep
thought
and intuition
the growing recognition
of those
who know exactly
and simply
what i've been
through these decades
means that curiously
love is to be found
not in springs
of creaking bed
in early mornings
of terrible dread
but rather
during the daytime smile
and sideways glance
of colleague
and teacher
because whilst ALL my life
my women
refused to recognise
in me
any worth to be proud of
that is ... all my life
this happened
i insist
and persist
in insisting ... yes i do
lately i sense
not only
for the obvious pecuniary gain
but maybe
truly
because
at LEAST
the thinkers
i begin to know
out there
see me
at LAST
as human
and worthy
and even a kindly man
and deserving
at ONCE
of being
not trampled on
but valued
as something
more than a diagnosis
of a security cruel
and a hallucinatory
THEM
for sure
much much more
than i
have
ever seemed
in all my dreams
rejected as i was
by every mouth
i wished
to deeply kiss
and so i NEVER
once thought
my saving graces
would not be
romances
as wished for
and desired so long
and experienced
so badly
and hurting so
GODDAMN wrong
but that instead
my real saviours
would be cells of grey
and small
that occupied kindly
other parts of my body
because born of reality
not the fakery
of younger hearts
who know mostly
how to damage
a peer
as if a pier
battered in terrible storm
because this is it
and that was all
and there you go
and here we know
that human salvation
really does not lie
in a daily bed of lace
and stuff like that
but much much more
in a thought and hug
and an embrace of an idea
without letting go
for years and years
and then tying them all up
and together
and tight
and then loosely too
as if that kiss
i mentioned before
which i've never had
all my time on this rock
to say goodnight
and to say hello
and to say why not
and never to bellow
but just ... to whisper
"i love you"
and so still i wonder
if my life
could've been other
than one of hermitage
and then again if it had
whether i'd now be achieving
half as much as i might
and as almost certainly
i'll now
be able to cite
for it was not the muse
who enabled
my love of life
but the sublimation
that still causes me
so much strife ...
and so it's
in the absence
of daily kindness
that has been
my existence
since forever and all
we see
our capability grow
to better view
and see the #whirled
fully unfurl as it ought
as it must be seen
and as it must become
perhaps as song
and perhaps one day
no wrong either not at all
and then its essence
too true it is
it was never me and you
but the experience
of precisely this:
NOT getting
what you want
but instead
getting
exactly
what you NEED
for this is the seed
of human creativity
being the felicitous
discovery
of things ... we've never known
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