initial ode to the odious … and a final song of deep friendship

ever since that thing which happened that night in front of citibank, i was sure the goal was to make other people laugh at my expense

i suspected it soon after bloomsday 2016

but i was never sure

but i don't mind

they were wrong, all of them: mark, dermott, james et al

if you do to bullies what they have chosen to do to you, in order that is to make you look humourless, they wouldn't laugh 

that's how to work out if they are bullies or not 

which is why i know they are 

people who were laughing at your expense because they loved you would laugh too when you laughed back at them for some equal foolishness 

so mark, and maybe whilst c was his girlfriend perhaps c too, thought i needed taking down a peg or two 

but the dynamic changes when i begin to be driven to do interesting things

and the plan backfires on the irish and mi5

dramatically and drastically  

so now they have to stop me

and they haven't got a fucking clue 

and that's the story from beginning to end 

i'm not humourless at all

i've been bullied first by my ex- and k and my mother in the early years, poor mum -- i know why so it's ok ... and then my father and it was never ok, and my youngest brother, too -- but he means nothing now 

and by bland and littlejohns, of course 

and by the british state and investors all over in their small-minded networks of tiny common interests

and still i want to make a better world

because i'll never stop wanting to communicate my witness 

and communicate my voice, not my opinions

and use my capacity and ability and talent for writing to good effect 

and if i've failed ... well ... that's what we humans do

and if i'm overbearingly male and white and upper middle-aged, then i am

but when i die, someone else better than me will try to do some of what i have attempted 

it's ok

it's a life 

there's billions more to come 

and btw c, just so you know for sure, we need now to make up ... yes, we do