you just KNOW when … AND what

you know that when you're the bad guy
and what this feels like
when one day 
you realise you're really not
and all your life 
has been a lie 
like a woman's body never was
and never sighed
and never signed up for contractually either 

that lie of the treasured
like a valley of souls
rolled into one 
and made entirely one
as reaching the winning-post 
like a dinner roasted at thanksgiving 
or a christmas feast to be followed 
by sandwiched leftover 
because this is what my life has been

just leftovers you might say 
and then again you may not 
because as i draw the picture
and shape the narrative
of what it's been like to be alive 
i refuse to revise 
what i saw and felt and did 
in terms that otherwise fail my truth
because for me there is nothing i love more than this 

nothing more than the truths 
i sometimes stumble across
like those stations of the same 
and those paths of the insane 
where we find ourselves socially constructed 
and criminally instructed 
to remain in the severest of pains 
for the rest of our existences 
able no longer to resist the abuses of such powers

where our nation-states 
should've protected us profoundly
of these layers of horrific inspecting introspection  
from which our capacity for free thoughts 
and thus our ability to sense joyous oughts
becomes merely the obligation 
of familial relationship 
instead of the real pursuit 
of that which might once have rightly suited us

and so that's it 
it is it really is 
and that's why we lose our intimate instincts
i mean those we were born with
and out of 
and into 
for doing good things by the others we meet 
and rather much rather 
prefer to that bullying of the opposing 

into opposing much more 
than should've been necessary 
and so this is how it became radically
and so easily 
cessation-free  
as all histrionics and hostilities became us madly too
like we were grinding our humanity
with the pestle and mortar 
of cannonballs galore

and so i do just wonder 
why it has to all be like this 
and why we can't build 
generation by generation 
on the achievements of the previous 
and why it's only INDIVIDUALS 
who grow from beginning to end 
in a trajectory that ennobles them always 
whereas the MASSES just muck us totally up

like the messages of hatred 
that intimidated our mothers 
and led our fathers to fields of blood 
where blood meant no brotherhoods were ever capable 
of yielding good any more 
and where life has become the survival of the very least fit
being those who chose finally 
to run the world 
into the deepest of pits