I wrote the below a few days ago then pulled it from the web.
But it’s what I feel, so now it’s what I repost on perhaps a better place: my own personal and lifework blog.
C … this is for you, obviously.
I’d like you to run everything day-to-day and operational I do in a collective future-present that clearly now approaches.
I’d like you to be COO.
I’d like you to use your immense experience and absolutely native intelligence not just to turn my ideas into reality but also to turn your ideas into reality. What we think is cool may therefore sometimes conflict.
So as far as where and how and why and what, even before we get to start, I’ll argue my preferences whenever I feel the need to … but as long as I sense the hearing you give me is fair, I’ll revert to your final decision always: and yes, with enthusiasm. Because that final decision has to belong more to you than me.
This for sure.
Please accept I’m serious now. Serious about what this means for me and demands of me.
Really. Really.
Yes.
Mil Williams, a few days ago …
But actually it’s not what I feel completely because it just talks about work. Maybe its absences say their piece, too; but only if you know our story well enough will they mean enough to mean anything this minute.
Really what do I most wish for?
Really, I’d just like us to start chatting again; just chatting and following lines of thought. I do love you deeply: so much so that it will only show itself from now on exactly as you prefer it to show.
That’s what deep love actually means: for the other on the other’s terms. And not for oneself, except insofar as the pleasure and joy of another becomes the joy and pleasure of oneself.
Not sacrificial, though; understand me this. My own family’s sense of sacrificial love’s value almost destroyed me.
So: not that.
But affectionate and warm, yes; forgiving and kindly; intelligent and forever … things like these. These things I feel profoundly about you, when it is you I am thinking of. Which — would you believe! — has never not been right now.
Not since that day, anyways. Not since that bridge.
“for you, obviously”
eternally grateful unending affection permanent respect infinite joy a heart of good a soul of gold a mind of the best which a man like me was ever honoured to trust
that’s the you i see and that’s what’s made me whole by your resilience of character and profound nature of true like an arrow to the target but really to the things that ensure life rings out brightly and brings all it can alive
and so then becomes all we could want without reluctance at all nor inferences to miss just the love of the pure and the pulsating certainty of this that the mettle of your deepest being is now just a beat away from me
there's one thing i'd like to ask you now because i know you read what i say and how
i know you can read these words before i ever post so that with these words i need just to write knowing you'll read them fine
and i know your mum is reading them too and i'm glad you are as well because if the cards i've chosen are the cards of my heart
then the cards when i gift them will restart three lives and maybe more: not only for myself and not only for the person i love the most
but also serving to make good and fair the pain we suffered rudely and maybe that ... yes maybe this and maybe ever so crudely too
and i care little now to attribute blame because blame doesn't fit the human spirit
as i see it: not when human it is and desiring of an embrace and a taste of true lips
and the hug of compassion and a laughter that never shames: just these sorts of things that bring us all into being again
and then once more manage to open the doors to ways of waking in mornings galore where wanting to do so is easy as pie
and wry scornful actions no longer pepper our days and the grimace of hurt is left fabulously in the lurch
as we realise that true expressions of love repair and renew and heal ever so fine if given the chance to emerge from their dens
and lairs and burrows of hidden sorrows: because this is what i want and not from tomorrow
this is what i want to say right today to both of you too it's absolutely true: thank you in a way that is as irish as can be for making it all finally possible
that true love may happen: no longer sacrificial in any way but just as an open-handed life that loves itself and its possessors as equals
and so once again with both i say the persons i hurt so many times for real and the persons i meant no harm to in any way that here's the truth beyond my desires
in no way did i strive to make them higher: true love is what it says and it would have been easier it's true to fall in love with someone else
and not in love with you but i didn't choose to love you this way because i thought it tool of hate and although it all seemed planned so clear
the first in my mind was not to take vengeance on the prior: not in this way was it my intention nor even serving the purpose of obsession
because now as i feel it and sense it so deep the only thing i regret in all of this was my impropriety when this heart did love and finding myself incapable of discretion
and choosing to use my words in poems everyone detested: and so if anything i can manage to make right and now
i'd like it to be to chat with the both of you and how and show you that life can be beautiful and good when a table and food and a predisposition
on all sides to learn from the hurt of the past so the passed it does become and finds itself replaced firmly
with the hand and hug of friendship long: never lost again to the anger of all that because as the man i now do slowly become
it's my hat to two irish ladies of the very best there've ever been i wish to tip and salute in this truth as i mentioned above in love:
friendship beyond everything because this is it and this is fine and this is grand and grander than all and this ... why ireland (it's true)
following on from my previous post today, a reflection or two which i want to represent my future … and if you agree, our future … and if you all agree, all our futures …
realising why you couldn't be you makes it time to start anew and knowing the crime committed by them shouldn't make them not you at all because the struggle to fight right escapes us in the night where the dark barks back at us instead of harks to deeper lives and so one day it's true even when lifetimes are lost the cost of not showing we accept we are the same produces the insanity that rules our worlds right now
so all i can suggest is that forgiveness does entrust the forgiver with perhaps the only power existent on this earth where in its exerting we cannot do ill for nothing comes close to the bitter pill of reliving over and over the alternative state of pain and stuff
i turn a page then not if you do too but with you if you care to also also if you do and so my conditions are now nowhere found for i've lived my life and this was how and all i want for me at least is to know right now that love exists
yay! got my uni-time #dell laptop back in action again. and it’s such a beautiful machine compared to my #chromebook in all respects.
even the band!
🙂
not to mention the scones …
#happymil #ontheroadto anyways
#stockholm #sweden
♥️💐♥️😎♥️🇸🇪
and this is what has taken me nineteen years to understand … but understand i now clearly have … and without your persistence c, none of this myself i’d ever been able to have seen.
so thank you, deeply; for your sacrifices and pain in the name of absolute truth, where not universal: maybe my innate utility and compassion and natural instincts for friendship and life will begin to expand duly again, out of the hole i soon found myself in way-back-then:
poets learn to codify linguistic systems and use precise forms of ambiguity very quickly. this makes them ideal for making or breaking code more widely.
mil williams, stockholm sweden, 19th april 2023
poetry and #espionage have close connections. i won’t link to the article again; but it was either the #nyt or the #newyorker i read a while back which evidenced the fact in a #longread post.
poets learn to codify linguistic systems and use precise forms of ambiguity very quickly. this makes them ideal for making or breaking code more widely.
for all we know, the most ambiguous sorts of leaders — those who show themselves to be dictators, for example — might be frustrated literati. i wouldn’t be suprised.
when i post out-of-the-box thinking on #linkedin these days, i get a message basically instructing me to give a tip or ask a question to get a conversation going. this is all well and good for basic networking and personal branding. but there are deeper things we can use language for. and i want to prove this longitudinally. a #poet interested in code: not software only, though this of course as well.
but really, how to both reverse- and forward-engineer those #crimes being committed — like #thepurloinedletter — under our very noses. the things we call random which aren’t.
this.
i think by pushing the human #brain in the directions i look at first sight to be waywardly doing is intelligent: and capable of delivering outcomes that will defend us from future #ukraines. outcomes in war and peace. outcomes in engineering and politics. outcomes everywhere.
i think where i am going with this #intuition thing is in expanding the envelope of the possible to the once considered impossible. my brain has downsides: it can be unstable. but like the #eurofighter in its origins, instability duly channelled by #tech can deliver fabulous results.
mil williams, stockholm sweden, 19th april 2023
the #poem below was written an hour or so ago. it’s by a foreign user of #castellano who only lived there some sixteen years. but it has some huge merit for me because of what it strives to communicate. and it may have a minimum merit even for #spanish speakers themselves.
i think this is interesting.
my own #brain is, you see, much better now that it was when i was in my twenties.
so.
i think where i am going with this #intuition thing is in expanding the envelope of the possible to the once considered impossible. my brain has downsides: it can be unstable. but like the #eurofighter in its origins, instability duly channelled by #tech can deliver fabulous results.
why not begin to join me in this?
i mean … the #soldier as #poet … and the #poet as #soldier.
so #it-#tech must come afterwards: it must come when the rest of us have designed the problem as robustly as we can without knowing if what we design is practical or not. only then will we not censor our ideas whilst we still have the capability to be ambitious and aspirational: only then will we only think of the real world.
mil williams, stockholm sweden, 16th april 2023
from my iphone’s notes app just now:
i’m open to being hired as employee or consultant or business. any of; any combination of. all too.
absolutely.
if it means i can stay in #sweden but not have to do it with the traditional kind of simplifying and incremental #tech ecosystem … well, then yes. even more so.
because i’m defo NOT looking for that if i stayed here. i’m not looking for it anywhere. wherever we took the #hq.
the #hq is a starting point but not an envelope of participation, anyway. we do live in a hybrid-working and effervescently connected world.
but i get the concerns, too.
now.
i still think best process would involve, first, an empathetic #consulting organisation; only after this, a single #tech corp (once the problem was scoped by us, i mean); and finally, an intimately connected #security complex and infrastructure, too … but always, in this field, independently managed by the country’s own existent domain experts. me only ever going so far as delivering a participation that consisted of being a consultant, ever.
if a #tech ecosystem of local and regional is preferred here, or anywhere else, it must be absolutely and heavily vetted to filter out those people and companies who won’t see/can’t see the virtues of the different architectures i am proposing. this we could do on the basis of historical behaviours and pronouncements; products and digital service rollouts over the years; and other data which could help us drill into company and individual cultural dna.
because i’m not prepared to accept intellectual and technological trojans into the projects and workstreams. and i recognise them easily enough these days, when i meet them. so no pulling any wool over my eyes on this. on other matters, maybe still. this, no longer.
i need to be firm in this. i really do. you will probably never understand why: but here i don’t budge. not any more.
and so this is why i’d prefer to scope with a #nontech ecosystem before going to #tech partners, in order to only then finally begin to implement.
so this is what i propose (though i am always open to evidenced counter-proposals):
1. a chosen #tech partner — a single organisation or a vetted ecosystem — can start by implementing already drawn-up specs, created outwith their thinking-spaces; just as liverpool did for me back in 2019, with almost fabulous effect.
2. only once they understand and embrace emotionally and intellectually the new #secrecypositive ideas, and the consequent #it implications, do they then start to have the right and duty to input at deeper and more conceptual scoping stages.
if you want to do a #consulting corp in #sweden for example, that’s obviously good and in line with my existing ideas.
or any #swedish entity in any endeavour which is not #it, of course …
yup. this as well. (engineering and most manufacturing and retail are now #tech too, but not #it-#tech for example).
so #it-#tech must come afterwards: it must come when the rest of us have designed the problem as robustly as we can without knowing if what we design is practical or not. only then will we not censor our ideas whilst we still have the capability to be ambitious and aspirational: only then will we only think of the real world.
• first we design the problem. always. the real problem
• it’s NOT NOT NOT going to slide into being “how to get paid soonest”
• it’s going to be how to reverse climate change. that’s the first #nontrad #security #complexproblem i want to deal with. that’s what will be my day-to-day. and i want citizens who don’t know what’s impossible to achieve to be scoping the envelope of the necessary over the possible
and that’s then when #tech comes in and starts to implement. and once it sees our new #neurodiverse #software and #hardware architectures work in practice is when it will also get freely enthusiastic about a totally different panorama from the #neurotypical #it they so firmly and universally believe in atm.
and so that’s when — but only then! — they’ll also be able to deliver #neurodiverse principles in their praxis. equally deeply as we will show ourselves capable of delivering in problem design. and so then, equally convincingly.
without reluctance any more.
without back-pedalling at all.
without thinking the problem needs to be reduced stealthily to how to get paid above and beyond how to save the species.
i said the other day i probably wasn’t suited to the fields of #lawenforcement and #security: i’m a free-thinker, a nonconformist in some serious senses, and almost certainly neurodiverse in others. people who work in the aforementioned fields need to be attached to rules, regulations, procedures and tasks. that makes it hard sometimes for them to appreciate the kind of person i often can be.
generally, not them. which makes me no better than them at all. nor them anything but different from me.
but that doesn’t mean we mightn’t be able to connect the two ways of being to better catch a creative criminality:
it’s my assertion and firm belief that we’re missing out on neurodiverse ways of seeing for understanding better the world of #complexproblems around us. and this is, partly, by using technologies which, perhaps unconsciously, have become firmly neurotypical — but are no less neurotypical for that. technologies which, as a result, reinforce the ways of seeing and doing that most of the world’s professionals need to share, rather than encourage them to have a broader take on that world.
i think we can do much better: i think we can bring the neurodiverse and neurotypical together: not just from the point of view of company inclusion policies and so forth; much more by engineering different #it-#tech architectures.
exactly as what follows, in fact — here, in a separate field, a proposed roadmap for dealing with the #complexproblems of climate change:
so to finish this post, something that happened to me today just to show i might — as a different kind of thinker from those who usually work in such fields — be able to usefully contribute, in some capacity of due utility even as i remain such a thinker, to the reality that has become deeply creative criminality: what has been called #darkfigure since the 19th century; and which, for a couple of years now, i’ve preferred to call #neocrime.
the anecdote in question:
here’s an example of my intuition in action. and i might be totally wrong. what i want to do is not prove i am right but absolutely clearly be able to share, without anyone being able to disagree, that i am wrong …
“that gangster-looking guy wanted three things at least potentially, when he asked me to use my card in exchange for his cash, for a pizza order he said he wanted to make:
1. get my card number from his mate at the pizza place.
2. give me counterfeit cash so i’d get into trouble when i tried to use it.
3. see if he could identify the name of my iphone with an excuse to approach me (i was tethering to my laptop at the time) in order for him and his mates to be able to sniff when i was using it in the future.
if i am right about him being a gangster, he had already inhibited me (tried to) by standing near the wall and not moving an inch as i tried to get by behind him, when he was looking at his phone in front of the lift on the landing on floor 1 yesterday.”
as i say, i might be wrong totally about him. he might be a humanitarian of the very best.
but what if we could create systems which didn’t prove we were right … but validated whether or not we were wrong! that is, that i was wrong.
and just to frame it better:
• he was at the hotel i am staying at
• i was working for hours at my laptop in a darkened corner: so he had every reason — seeing me wrapt up so intently in my work — not to approach me
• the receptionist (according to the guy) had already refused to take his cash
• no one uses cash in stockholm
and so for all these reasons, i actually think this might have been an example of #darkfigure waiting to happen.”
of course i could be exhibiting a dreadful prejudice. but this, precisely this, is why i want us, together, to develop systems where we can enter into our deepest thoughts and make it possible for us not prove what we think true — but validate (an utterly different matter altogether) whether true or no.
crime is a domain i have pretty good knowledge of at #autoethnographic and #academic levels, but it is always going to be a subset of #complexproblems: #complexproblems are NOT a subset of a generally creative #criminality.
mil williams, stockholm sweden, 14th april 2023
i just want this to be clear. i’m happy for others to work with my ideas in security and so forth. but i am going to focus on developing systems for #neurodiverse #thinkingspaces that begin to solve #complexproblems our species needs resolving, above and beyond #criminality.
things like #climatechange and #foodsecurity for example.
crime is a domain i have pretty good knowledge of at #autoethnographic and #academic levels, but it is always going to be a subset of #complexproblems: #complexproblems are NOT a subset of a generally creative #criminality.
what’s more, i don’t have the confidence of people in #lawenforcement and #security. never have: never will. i’m a free-thinker, above all. this doesn’t make me better, at all. but it might mean it makes me incompatible with good #security and #lawenforcement praxis.
so this is what i am now thinking and strategising. i may be able to acquire the necessary confidence to do these things in other fields of human endeavour. at the very least, the potential for a decent engagement is more likely in other areas now.
if there are people in some allied country who work, even so, in crime and related, and still are interested in what i propose, do come forwards and show yourselves.
but even here, let’s propose that anything we do starts with the principle and framework of #complexproblems, not creative #criminality.
contact me on the email below, if you do want to explore.
just explore.
just see the reality. examine the truth. and maybe, just maybe, do something usefully different for a change:
there was only one kind of label that ever sounded positive for me during my life. because my parents labelled me and my siblings all our lives. and to our detriment: to diminish us.
labels can be shortcuts to understanding; or they can be machetes to slice a man into the dismembered state he’ll never be able to recover from.
background story:
in 2003 i was labelled and dismembered by the british state: i was judged a paranoid schizophrenic. it was a judgement: perhaps even a judgment.
they incarcerated me for a month and attempted to ensure i believed all was lost. two weeks after leaving my state of incarceration i was working fifteen- to twenty-hour shifts at mcdonald’s. when my social worker had assured me i would be fit for no more than maximum two hours a week voluntary activities for at least two years.
i refused to be cowed by this label: i am not made of the kind of stuff which will.
so as a young democratic citizen who grew up on the battlefield that was his parental marriage and relationship, a life-changing label was also finally applied by the country he had been born to.
nowhere did justice reside in his experience of life.
what happens when the label is right:
the label was wrong: and this i shall sustain to this day. why only one kind of label has sounded at all positive during my time on this otherwise beautiful and precious rock: that thing we call “designer labels”.
even here, they may be tinged with an injustice of sorts: privilege, and so forth. but i am generally generous to these kinds of labels and privileges because they are a form of art: real art. the clothing of human beings in pleasurable and expressive ways might not socioeconomically be within everyone’s reach — but neither is a picasso or a rodin.
what happened yesterday:
yesterday, however, i continued — like a plane’s circling of a crowded airport — my slow approach to the idea of being labelled … only this time in good faith, accurately and professionally competently.
before we continue, i’m not saying this is necessarily my “rosebud”, but as a process to getting closer to fairly starting to unpick my enigma, it’s not a bad place to begin.
second, i’ve been in sweden on and off since just before christmas. the swedish are generous; not malicious. they are watchful; not cautious. they are incessant, though not obsessive, gatherers of data of the world around them; they always know when they still haven’t got quite enough to take a rightful decision. and they are, in the main, kindly and aspirational; not ambitious in a trampling way.
my sister was accused of bad parenting for just about seven years by the english & welsh education system. her two children are super-intelligent: the brightest buttons and shiniest souls i have ever seen. the education law in england & wales makes it impossible for a parent to get a proper medical intervention when behavioural issues show themselves — unless and if the school agrees it’s not bad parenting. for seven years the two schools she had to interface with refused access to doctors. under this law, you cannot get access to a consultant for your own child even via their gp.
now it might occur to you to think maybe my sister didn’t know the truth about her own children. she doesn’t claim to, either. she never has. she did know that she didn’t have enough tools to deliver on the sacred joy and duty of being as good a parent as she wishes to be always.
i do have to say at this point, however, that she is a qualified psychologist and counsellor under uk systems, various. she does therefore have some privileged understanding and critical capacity in the areas of knowledge in question. the schools in the uk didn’t care. that only made it a more bitter pill for her to choke on.
how and why sweden is different:
she and her family emigrated to sweden a couple of years ago. her children, and wider family therefore, are now being supported and enabled more in a year than seven in the uk.
she has had to accept that to unlock this support a labelling process for her children did have to proceed. but here the process has striven mostly all along to evidence its trustworthiness: that is, its desire to be trusted by all stakeholders involved. in the uk, my experience showed that the british are prepared to use mental health tools as weapons of an undemocratic security infrastructure.
this is why i am now ready to be labelled:
you might immediately say: “surely RElabelled.” but no: you would be wrong. i wasn’t labelled: i was attacked, taken out and dismantled over decades by a security establishment that didn’t like the truths they knew pretty soon i would begin to deliver on in respect of their incompetences, multiple. if, that is, i didn’t have my capacity to bear intellectual and sociopolitical witness undermined profoundly first.
the time i’ve been in sweden is the first time — the very first — i’ve ever been in a country where this hasn’t been the desired end i’ve sensed.
and this is why — in such an environment — i am now fully ready, aware of all the potential consequences — to be labelled duly and compassionately by a nation-state of compassionate and proper citizens and professionals.
because what this will unlock is surely, now, worth its weight in the most precious substance known to humanity: the truth.
but never again shall i salivate the evil of the unnecessarily violent. as a last resort … this is how life sometimes must conduct itself. as a tool of habitual state … this is not.
mil williams, johan & nyström coffee shop, stockholm sweden, 9th april 2023
it’s not all plain selling. but then that’s not what life’s about.
but if i manage to stay here in the end, this — the end — it won’t be. it will be the best beginning i’ve ever managed. i spent seven years between the uk and ireland, trying to engineer a relationship between ireland and the uk. i failed.
now i say it out loud: not with joy but acceptance. acceptance that i failed in everything institutionally and personally related.
but not ideas-wise. not in respect of my increasing capacity to uncover them: like a pig and his beloved truffles. for me, ideas are truffles, waiting to be found; and they say that pigs bear many good resemblances to humans. physiologically, for sure. maybe in other respects i am still unaware of.
all i can say is if a pig is good enough for george clooney, why not associate myself with the same?
🙂
so why here — and now?
because in a very brief period of time i see a society like none i have experienced in my life. there are cruel people here: but the society as a wider whole is striving not to legislate or legitimate state cruelty. and this i am defo not accustomed to back in my homeland.
so if i have to contribute to a tech which scales up basic government and regional administrative instincts, i want it to be in a place where more manually these instincts are sound. meantime, the triumvirate of evil exists in the uk with the conservative attachment to russian wealth and trump’s idiocies all in one. and all by now as an all too well-established nouveau establishment of the horrifyingly, casually cruel.
one thing many don’t realise, and i still don’t fully understand: a military society can be a liberating one too. it all depends to what purpose you militarise — and with what genders you compose your military out of.
during my whole time in the uk i was oppressed by outliers of a military which, tbh, needed very few outliers anyway to operate and impose such oppression with the necessary precision. look at the state of the london metropolitan police right now just to appreciate how ugly the uk has allowed itself to become. and that’s the first line: just the police.
this is why here, and why now. and if it’s not possible now and here, it will be somewhere else similar, and sometime then.
but never again shall i salivate the evil of the unnecessarily violent. as a last resort … this is how life sometimes must conduct itself. as a tool of habitual state … this is not.
mil's page 