i was either ill at the time and she knew it and didn't care what's more knew what she was doing when she told me to embrace the lie as she did what's more perhaps put up to it by her state (not mine ... not any more)
or i wasn't ill and i knew what i was doing and both of us were radically in the wrong but either way the state did know and it either used her to deepen my sense of failure or it used me to embed a sense of distress
i can't be schizophrenic for the purposes of national security and responsible for my actions when faced with a monster like her
she had no diagnosis at the time and yet she was literally rapacious as they come: she told me she'd done the same to her husband and relished the coincidence in front of me and she had already informed me how my brother was rough in that department and did i mind he'd had the opportunity to be before i'd had the chance myself
and so curiously i said all i minded in this was only that when someone was with me it was me that someone was with but in the event she'd never been with me always been put up to it by a labour party awfully labouring the point: a man as i was, cogently against the stupidity of iraq in order that his witness be undermined deliberately by a security state she formed a clear and seamless part of in a northern ireland of aggressions multiple and multiple and various
so no: when i said i didn't mind if she'd been with my brother i didn't mind it at all but when she affirmed she'd be being with me all that time -- the four days in belfast in her marital bed -- she lied brazenly because paid brazenly by a state she preferred to be with, more than a lover she cared to lie next to, in order to destroy all future capacity of mine to fight back and tell my truth as it was and still is and will always remain
so listen up and listen clear because this is what i have to do because when stupid men threaten me with their stupid dogs on public transports for all it's time i firmed up my opposition to all the evil state managed to do and still delivers on all sides of politics and still delivers on all sides
and this is why because this is the key because it's possible to criminalise a state when its free and easy agents like her are the focus of the process you make happen out of two decades of pain
and so never truer or unkinder were the actions cruel she committed on my person to the extent she even sacrificed her son in full public view at john lennon airport just to make sure that my disgrace was complete
you were wrong when you said guilt that evening in dublin, c wrong about your mother and my witness: it wasn't guilt i felt around all of this but astonishment she felt absolutely none herself at all
at any time i say any time ever for so casually doing the state's bidding as she did
i tasted cold coffee with soya drink just now and the memories of a campsite somewhere in austria maybe high up in the mountains where summer green was all around and showers stopped automatically and buttons had to be repeatedly pressed and the early morning drifted smells of bacon grill and more and the milk was uht 'cos it had to be it just had ...
so all this came drifting back to me and all this was sharp as nines and all this was in my head just how and right now is when i remembered with fondness the trials and tribulations and real pain of being my mother and father's son
because mostly it was pain: slashing tongues which fast cut me to the quick nailing me to the spot like hammer hitting out and lashing me with criticisms of everything i tried to make emerge from me
and so only this minute do i begin very slowly to do the things i always wished to do and be the man i never was and grin to love not grin to bear and find at last in human relations the right to enjoy myself full fair without recrimination or disapprobation or disapproval of some religious scriptures: what hurt me so all those years ago and still on occasions serves to actually destroy my soul
and so now i don't care what he might think because now he's passed and is in his clink and she meanwhile reveals herself as authoritarian body of dictatorial mouse: scampering around and making all silent and then patting down the violences of them both
for the passive-aggression he imposed on my child was fully enabled by her actions of default and whilst i was younger and felt myself deeply the blame of just being there and occupying a space which was never to be mine in the end it's true i've had this life of falsehood and in the end it will be TRUER you and me or me and another or whomsoever i shall finally meet in joy and daily grandeur when heads hit pillows and the mellowness of affection turns into for a moment no longer the passions of terrible and bloody rejection for my brain is a magdalena and my memories are beginning to heal
there's one thing i'd like to ask you now because i know you read what i say and how
i know you can read these words before i ever post so that with these words i need just to write knowing you'll read them fine
and i know your mum is reading them too and i'm glad you are as well because if the cards i've chosen are the cards of my heart
then the cards when i gift them will restart three lives and maybe more: not only for myself and not only for the person i love the most
but also serving to make good and fair the pain we suffered rudely and maybe that ... yes maybe this and maybe ever so crudely too
and i care little now to attribute blame because blame doesn't fit the human spirit
as i see it: not when human it is and desiring of an embrace and a taste of true lips
and the hug of compassion and a laughter that never shames: just these sorts of things that bring us all into being again
and then once more manage to open the doors to ways of waking in mornings galore where wanting to do so is easy as pie
and wry scornful actions no longer pepper our days and the grimace of hurt is left fabulously in the lurch
as we realise that true expressions of love repair and renew and heal ever so fine if given the chance to emerge from their dens
and lairs and burrows of hidden sorrows: because this is what i want and not from tomorrow
this is what i want to say right today to both of you too it's absolutely true: thank you in a way that is as irish as can be for making it all finally possible
that true love may happen: no longer sacrificial in any way but just as an open-handed life that loves itself and its possessors as equals
and so once again with both i say the persons i hurt so many times for real and the persons i meant no harm to in any way that here's the truth beyond my desires
in no way did i strive to make them higher: true love is what it says and it would have been easier it's true to fall in love with someone else
and not in love with you but i didn't choose to love you this way because i thought it tool of hate and although it all seemed planned so clear
the first in my mind was not to take vengeance on the prior: not in this way was it my intention nor even serving the purpose of obsession
because now as i feel it and sense it so deep the only thing i regret in all of this was my impropriety when this heart did love and finding myself incapable of discretion
and choosing to use my words in poems everyone detested: and so if anything i can manage to make right and now
i'd like it to be to chat with the both of you and how and show you that life can be beautiful and good when a table and food and a predisposition
on all sides to learn from the hurt of the past so the passed it does become and finds itself replaced firmly
with the hand and hug of friendship long: never lost again to the anger of all that because as the man i now do slowly become
it's my hat to two irish ladies of the very best there've ever been i wish to tip and salute in this truth as i mentioned above in love:
friendship beyond everything because this is it and this is fine and this is grand and grander than all and this ... why ireland (it's true)
following on from my previous post today, a reflection or two which i want to represent my future … and if you agree, our future … and if you all agree, all our futures …
realising why you couldn't be you makes it time to start anew and knowing the crime committed by them shouldn't make them not you at all because the struggle to fight right escapes us in the night where the dark barks back at us instead of harks to deeper lives and so one day it's true even when lifetimes are lost the cost of not showing we accept we are the same produces the insanity that rules our worlds right now
so all i can suggest is that forgiveness does entrust the forgiver with perhaps the only power existent on this earth where in its exerting we cannot do ill for nothing comes close to the bitter pill of reliving over and over the alternative state of pain and stuff
i turn a page then not if you do too but with you if you care to also also if you do and so my conditions are now nowhere found for i've lived my life and this was how and all i want for me at least is to know right now that love exists
poets learn to codify linguistic systems and use precise forms of ambiguity very quickly. this makes them ideal for making or breaking code more widely.
mil williams, stockholm sweden, 19th april 2023
poetry and #espionage have close connections. i won’t link to the article again; but it was either the #nyt or the #newyorker i read a while back which evidenced the fact in a #longread post.
poets learn to codify linguistic systems and use precise forms of ambiguity very quickly. this makes them ideal for making or breaking code more widely.
for all we know, the most ambiguous sorts of leaders — those who show themselves to be dictators, for example — might be frustrated literati. i wouldn’t be suprised.
when i post out-of-the-box thinking on #linkedin these days, i get a message basically instructing me to give a tip or ask a question to get a conversation going. this is all well and good for basic networking and personal branding. but there are deeper things we can use language for. and i want to prove this longitudinally. a #poet interested in code: not software only, though this of course as well.
but really, how to both reverse- and forward-engineer those #crimes being committed — like #thepurloinedletter — under our very noses. the things we call random which aren’t.
this.
i think by pushing the human #brain in the directions i look at first sight to be waywardly doing is intelligent: and capable of delivering outcomes that will defend us from future #ukraines. outcomes in war and peace. outcomes in engineering and politics. outcomes everywhere.
i think where i am going with this #intuition thing is in expanding the envelope of the possible to the once considered impossible. my brain has downsides: it can be unstable. but like the #eurofighter in its origins, instability duly channelled by #tech can deliver fabulous results.
mil williams, stockholm sweden, 19th april 2023
the #poem below was written an hour or so ago. it’s by a foreign user of #castellano who only lived there some sixteen years. but it has some huge merit for me because of what it strives to communicate. and it may have a minimum merit even for #spanish speakers themselves.
i think this is interesting.
my own #brain is, you see, much better now that it was when i was in my twenties.
so.
i think where i am going with this #intuition thing is in expanding the envelope of the possible to the once considered impossible. my brain has downsides: it can be unstable. but like the #eurofighter in its origins, instability duly channelled by #tech can deliver fabulous results.
why not begin to join me in this?
i mean … the #soldier as #poet … and the #poet as #soldier.
mil's page 