i met her one fateful day and it was to be the worst day of my life though i didn't know it at the time and then a bare twelve years later the idiocy repeated itself and i thought it was going to be better and it wasn't oh it wasn't but it took me longer much longer to work out that one was as toxic as her mother
two women of the worst there have ever been and both probably yes certainly as neurodiverse as myself too but not what they claimed the first was in her spymaster's cover of equally terrifying prognosis because what she was was never polar and never a pillar of anything close to what one might term community at all at all
black widows being what they both were and in fact still are for sure being women capable of widowing their menfolk whilst they're still alive and through their stratagems of cruel cunning always without the us just women who weaponise their every word and act against the fact that humans are just that
because unforgiving is their first name and unforgivable their last where precisely both become the outcome of coming out as sharp and clear as any assassins and hateful like none in the history of humanity and abusive as per the worst whores of political graft on those rafts of irish river when the personnel that staff the offices which back those who break into splinters
all the democratic instincts and all the technological fingerprints that could've saved us from the foolish hubris of the zuckerbergs of pornographic advert networks all connected and joined up to the greater glory of the altmans of these days where fucking with a human being's head is quite the right thing to do
and so they think for sure that daughter and mother i was writing about earlier that they have zero to do with THIS world now bleeding at both the seams and at the most unseemly of global violences but actually these two women as per many other humans have lived lives of absolute choice
and are intimately at fault both and each for choosing an easier life such an easier one of material possessives like grammatical strictures of the most frightful that serve only to throttle change and make their beloved just rags and tags and sagging supports to be ripped into strips
and then the intellectual regressives of smarmy logic and sophisticated sophistry which have led them quite separately to bottle that last moment and opportunity to demonstrate a real and healthy ambition and aspiration too for them and me and theirs and then us all together to prove that kin could be very much more
than now it will ever be able to be or should indeed i say and verily repeat because in the "should" of all this we are haughtily saying how we never failed when actually we did and forcefully have ... and so when at the level of family unable to communicate savvily how could we expect government to rule any better
or succeed where as individuals all these years we just preferred to choose and manifest our violence and then fuck each other up with purpose and intentionality as aggressive as the most violent criminality because in truth that's been my experience of nuclear and extended family both: kin as a synonym of ALL that's bad in the human experience
and so i see it as it was and will now always be and so i sense it's time to move away forever grateful that i am still way distant from a suicide my own family imposed on me and worked so hard in order to direct me towards as if awarding me a solution that would've absolved them of all deep responsibility
and which would have meant they would never have had to face the truth of what still they are being that cruel cowardly mobbery of people you grow up with thinking what they do to you they do sincerely for you when in reality they wanted you to die all along
and so it ultimately comes to this and for sure it does it does and so it ends down in the pit of time's pendulum hanging from figurative threads as i tease out my next steps because they won't involve anyone from that which once we could have affectionately called fam and which in no way ever meant kindness of any kind
and as the offers begin to present themselves now i work really hard to expunge that which they said could not be expunged being the capacity that family and kin and sibling-hood and cousinly beings multiple has to convince you they are right and you are wrong and when you feel uncomfortable
the fault is all yours and when they abuse and bully you it's you who's doing the bullying and you who's the abuser ... because THAT'S the one undeniable achievement of these two women throughout the mouldering tapestry of their lives and those family groupings which encroach on us never liberating ever
and then all the cousins and uncles and fathers and mothers and aunts of creeping witness being what they ALL bear witness to: that kin-hood is a kind of jail of the very worst and perhaps at that a panopticon too where a surveillance of the most total impresses on the brain born yet free the rusting bars of increasingly imprisoning deeds
yes indeed it's true for whilst people and friends of choice are to be rejoiced and coveted and embraced and hugged and treasured and envied in ways that ennoble us to do the best of things family of the manner i have experienced is a curse of the worst and much much more and is surely finally
to be left irreversibly behind when finally clearly proving that its equally irreversible unkindnesses will never revert to a forgiveness of redemption again nor to the spirits of generosity like ghostly figures capable of planing over us in those magical moments when i looked out through the child's eyes which i learnt EVERYTHING from
with the newborn brain i was blessed with once upon a time for only then through the family i grew up alongside to discover how its innocence was to be ripped out like strips flaying off the thief's stinging back as the blood of life stillseeps and stains the human being i am now determined to fully recover
wilfully leaving my past behind where the past is the only country it deserves to inhabit for cruel for violent for abusive for manipulative and for bullying and for woman child and man gone intentionally wrong
goodbye to you all and to you all fare thee as well as you've never known in life how properly to deliver on nor how to forge or fashion even wryly nor express through compassion never mind a truly felt passion:
yes i do i do i do i wish you all luck as you continue to fuck with the heads of those who really by this time and way before and long ago you should've learnt to love